I was reading blogs this evening when I ran across a blog posting a letter regarding child support. The writer of the letter stated that child support should not be used to pay rent or utilities that the custodial parent would have to pay that with or without a child. The writer went on to say that only such things as clothes and baseball gloves should be bought with child support and receipts should have to be provided to prove that the custodial parent wasn't spending the support on frivolous things such as the gas bill. The writer suggested, actually out right said, that custodial parents are getting a free ride when they get child support.

So I was inspired to create a break down of the money I spend to support my child. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to spend every penny I do and hadn't given the amount much thought until now. I do, however, think it is important to provide bare facts to combat outright stupid notions of "free rides."

Rent: Now the above writer does not see rent as a necessity to support a child, but I present this number - $150, the difference in monthly rent between a one bedroom and my small two bedroom apartment in my apartment complex.

Utilities: Despite the fact that a two person household will use more electricity and more water and the fact that I myself would not have nearly as many cable channels, I will not claim that my son costs me any more in utilities. The numbers would be too difficult to crunch.

Food: According to sources across the Internet, it looks as if a single person spends about $200 - $250 a month on food, while a family of two (even if the second is a child) spends about $300-$350 on food. I think these numbers are before the price of food skyrocketed, but it still should provide us with an accurate difference of $100.

Clothing: I'm actually pretty lucky. My sister and mother both seem to enjoy buying my son clothes and I have friends who provide some hand-me downs, so I probably don't spend as much to cloth my son as most. I estimate I spend between $400 and $500 a year of clothing (including jackets and such). For the sake of argument, lets just stick with $420 per year or $35 a month.

Extra Curricular activities: I don't see these as "extras". It has been proven in multiple studies that busy children are less likely to turn to drugs or other delinquent activities. The busy needs to start now. I easily spend $320 a year on extra activities. Or $30 per month.

Medicine and Dr. Care: Luckily I have great insurance and the additional cost of my son is only $44. Of course he need doctor appointments, dental appointments, and medications. Those total to be about $56 per month making the total $100.

School: Sending a child to school is actually kind of costly. They need supplies for the classroom, supplies for projects, money for field trips, and that costly school lunch (that I don't even allow my son to buy every day). The monthly break down for school totals $40. And, yes, that is spreading it across 12 months.

Occasional Childcare: I spend approximately $45 per month on childcare. Minimal compared to many single parents.

These numbers don't include vacations, gifts, fun times and probably a host of other costs. They also don't include the fact that I live in a high priced rent district to give my son the best school possible. I think, however, everyone can agree that the above numbers accurately represent the basic costs of raising my child. Since I believe we are fairly average, I will take the jump to say it comes close to representing the cost of raising any child in my tax bracket. To recap:

Rent: $150
Food: $100
Clothing: $35
Extra curricular: $30
Medicine/care: $10
School: $40
Childcare: $45
For a total of: $410

$410 is probably a very low estimate on what I really spend per month on specifically my son. My ex-husband is order to pay $65 per week or $260 per month. That is 65% of what it takes. Our court order actually orders him to provide 75% and if he asked for the child support to be reevaluated, it would reduce it quite a bit. Since it has been his choice not to ask for a reevaluation of support, these numbers look pretty fair to me, if he actually paid it! If he starts paying the child support, I'll gladly send him the receipts!

More for Him

Time. No one ever has enough, that is true, but for single parents time is even more elusive. One person to do the job of two. One person to make lunch, fix the TV, and answer the questions all at once. One person to play the games, listen to the jokes, read the notes. One person to drive the car, do the shopping, attend the activities. One person.

As that one person, I find the time. Time is important and my son deserves every second. Unfortunately, as I find the time, I loose the patience. I hate that fact. I hate loosing my patience. I hate that I can't reach deep inside myself to calmly answer his every question, to still the annoyance at yet another request. I hate that he has only me to turn to even when I'm not giving him what he needs. I hate that there are times I don't give him what he needs.

I know my son deserves two parents. Two different souls to raise him. Unfortunately, he only has me. Despite the lack of time, and my lack of patience, his words tell me he's ok with that, for now. The words he writes show me only love. "You are the greatest Mom," he writes. If he says it must be true. Maybe I need to start being less hard on myself so that I can start being even more for him.

Attempt for a Trial in the Court of Public Opinion

I sent the following to the Sun Journal, the newspaper near my ex-husband. I doubt they will run with it, but it was worth a try:

My ex-husband is a Lieutenant for the Dixfield fire department. He is also a deadbeat dad. He owes over $7600 in child support. If he works, he works under the table. He never sends a dime of what he makes from fire calls to his son. In September, he was ordered to spend 30 days in jail or pay $1500 toward his back child support. He has done neither.

DHHS division of child support enforcement and recovery told me Dixfield PD was suppose to be handling the arrest warrant. After speaking with them several times, I sent them a letter regarding the issue. They replied saying Rumford District Court told them not to get involved. I called Rumford District Court. They tell me that a civil arrest warrant is hard to enforce and despite the fact that they know where he is, they cannot arrest him because the Sheriff’s office civil department and the Dixfield PD cannot agree on how to serve the warrant. They suggest I call the Sheriff’s office. No one answers. No one returns my calls. In the meantime, I call DHHS to tell them of my findings. They have no answers. They say normally the person is arrested and an enforcement agent goes to meet with them. They assure me they will find him. The problem is, he’s not missing.

This story is probably pretty common except for one factor - my ex-husband is a Dixfield firefighter. Not one person I have spoken to has argued with me when I say Jason’s standing as a firefighter is protecting him. The fire chief, the Dixfield PD, and the Sheriff’s department are well aware of both the arrest warrant and the lack of payment of child support and yet nothing is done.

Aren’t firefighters suppose to be men children can look up to? Instead of protecting them because of their firefighter status, should we be holding them responsible for their actions? Shouldn’t the lieutenant of a local fire department be an upstanding citizen? What kind of citizen doesn’t support his son? What kind of person neglects his own flesh and blood?

Maybe this story is only of interest to me because it is so personal, but things like this are happening everyday. The statistics from the last consensus say that 22.8% of single parents aren’t receiving any of their court ordered child support, and 30.3% do not receive all of the child support due to them. Changes need to happen, and they will happen one story at a time. If this is story is of interest to you, please let me know.

Editorial Sent to Portland Press Hearld

According to a publication released by the U.S. Census Bureau in August of 2007, Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support, in 2005, there were about 13.6 million single parents across the United States, and about 6.8 million of these parents were due to receive child support during that year. Child support is paid by the non-custodial parent, usually the parents with equal rights and responsibilities and visitation rights, to the custodial parent, the parent the children live with. Child support is ordered by the court or by a government agency in charge of collecting child support for that state. Of the single parents who were due child support, 22.8% of them did not receive any of the child support due to them during the year, and 30.3% did not receive all the child support they were due. The statistics are staggering when you consider that over half of the single parents households did not receive all the child support ordered to help raise their children.

There are laws to help with child support collection. In Maine, this includes income withholding, suspension of recreational, professional, and driving licenses, tax return interception, and in extreme circumstances, jail time. Unfortunately, there is very little man power to enforce all the requirements. Parents avoid paying support by working under the table and many simply drive with suspended drivers licenses. Tax returns are successfully intercepted only if the parent files taxes and receives a refund. Many either do not file or owe the government money on top of their child support and sometimes other loans. One would think jail time would finally catch a parent’s attention. Unfortunately the civil arrest warrant is difficult to enforce and can actually result in no money and no jail time.

With more time and money, the Department of Health and Human Services division of Child Support Enforcement and Recovery, could follow up with parents who are not paying. With more time, case managers might be able to discover where a parent is working under the table. They might have time to make some phone calls to insure orders and warrants are being honored. In the state of Maine, every new hire is suppose to be reported to DHHS. That does not always happen, with more time, agents could enforce this law and fine companies and agencies that failed to report their new hires. With the heavy case loads case managers at DHHS have, none of this is currently possible.

It is time for society to take this social problem more seriously. The non-custodial parents who do not pay are not simply failing to send the other parent money, they are failing to support their child. If a custodial parent failed to provide the child with food and other necessities, they could face jail time for neglect, and rightfully so. Why shouldn’t it be the same with non-custodial parents? If they fail to provide for the child, shouldn’t they be held responsible in the same manner the custodial parent would be? The answer is yes! By not paying child support, these parents are neglecting their child’s needs, and this matter should be taken seriously.

Parents all over the United States are struggling to raise their children and give them the best opportunities possible. They struggle because of no fault of their own, but because the other parent does not provide the support their children deserve. In the end, it is the children who suffer. It is the children who do not receive all they are entitled to. Children deserve the support of both parents, emotionally, physically, and financially.

Round and Round

My ex-husband failed to show up for a court date. The judge found him in contempt and ordered 30 days in jail or he could purge himself by paying $1500 toward his back child support. This was almost 3 months ago and he remains free as a bird with all his money still in his pocket.

According to DHHS Child Support Enforcement and Recovery (DHHS from her on out), the Dixfield Police Department was suppose to serve the warrant. I called the Dixfield PD and talked to the chief who was very nice and promised to look into it. Nothing happened. I called the PD again and talked to an officer who was less helpful, but promised to look into it. Still nothing. I wrote a letter directly to the police chief. After about a week, he called to let me know Dixfield PD would not be handling the arrest warrant because it was a civil case. I was advised to call the Rumford District Court.

The woman on the other end of the phone was one of the kindest people I've talked to while dealing with child support issues. Unfortunately, she had bad news. According to this lovely and very helpful woman, civil arrest warrants are very difficult to serve and there is no way to enforce the jail time since it is a civil warrant not a criminal warrant. She said it was a common problem. It is suppose to be the Oxford Sheriff's department civil service department who will serve the warrant, but the Dixfield PD and the Oxford Sheriff's department can not decide how the warrant will be served. They, meaning everyone involved, even know where he is, but he has not been served. She suggested I call the Oxford Sheriff's department.

I called the Sheriff's department, twice. No one has returned my call. In the meantime, I called DHHS to update them and ask a few questions. No one at DHHS was will to talk about the downfalls of civil warrants. They assured me the warrant was active and someone would pick him up despite the fact Rumford District Court basically said it wasn't going to happen. No one seemed willing to make the phone call themselves to check on the situation.

By now, you must be thinking that there is a piece of the puzzle missing. I can assure you that this puzzle has many lost piece, but the biggest known issue is this: My ex-husband is a call firefighter for the town of Dixfield. Professional courtesy, sticking together, protecting their own, its all there. No one seems to care that J has earned this jail sentence by continually failing to support his son. No one seems to mind that a deadbeat dad is walking in and out of their station every day. Despite this fact, J is a respected member of the fire department, and is therefore, apparently, above such things as having his child support obligations enforced.

A Reminder

There are times where my thoughts and feelings seem to stall. I forget what use to be and what is coming. I forget who I am and what is important. I become too focused on the negative and forget the positive. The worst part is, I barely recognize I'm in this rut.

Today we decorated the Christmas tree. Although, I love to decorate the tree, this time I was wondering why we were actually decorating a tree we wouldn't be sticking around to enjoy. About two ornaments into the process, I remembered. The ornaments on my tree tell my story or should I say our story. They tell the story of my son's and my life. My son's first Christmas, our cruise, friends and family. Ornaments my son made and ornaments I picked up on a whim. Every ornament means something and represents a piece of our life. How could I have possibly forgotten about how special our Christmas tree is?

The fifth ornament I picked up was very simple. Sterling silver with a read velvet ribbon, the ornament simply said "Hope". I had actually picked up for a friend years ago, but some how, it never made it to her. I kept it and hung it on our tree. Today that simple ornament served as a reminder. No matter what, there is always hope.

Collecting Financial Support

Whether we like it or not, money provides opportunities. Unfortunately, it seems my son's father, we'll call him J, doesn't enjoy providing my son with opportunities. I've been trying to collect child support from him for quite some time. He might pay for a few weeks or months, and then he'll change jobs and we start from the beginning again. Luckily, the enforcement agency always intercepts his income tax. That provides us with some extra money. Too bad the agency never finds his income to withhold child support for long.

At this point in time, J owes us just over $7,000 and it is growing every week. This does not include the court order interest as the child support enforcement agency doesn't collect that in his state. He will never be able to have anything unless he starts paying is support. The enforcement agency will put a lien on anything he ever buys. He has lost his license multiple times only to drive without it. Since he doesn't own a car, he is usually driving someone else's car without a license. He has to fill out paperwork to prove he's looking for a job, although I'm pretty sure he's not. He also has to appear in front of a judge periodically. None of this brings any child support. Recently, he failed to show up for one of his court dates. A judge ordered 30 days in jail or $1500 paid toward back child support. This was in September and neither has happened yet. I've been looking into the hold up, and that is a blog in itself.

What can possibly be done to collect support? More man power for the collection agency would be a great start. Follow up and enforcement of the rules would also help. J is a call firefighter in the town he lives in. I've been trying to get a withholding order put on his fire check for a year now. He's only paid quarterly, but at least it would be some money. For some reason it never seems to happen. If the case manager at the enforcement agency had more time, I think he would follow up on it and make it happen. That is only a guess though.

I hear nothing from the enforcement agency unless I call their hotline. Then I do not talk to the case manager, but an agent who can only read what has been put into the computer screen. J is the only one who can actually talk to the case manager. I've even asked questions that he has completely ignored. I'm told I have one of the best case managers on the case. I find that comment extremely disappointing since I see very little results.

My son, and all children, deserve the support of both parents! The extra money we are suppose to receive on a weekly basis could provide him with Karate lessons, or swimming lessons, or ice hockey. As it is now, all of my money goes toward making life better for him. Shouldn't some of his father's money go towards that goal? Shouldn't his father want that?

We Are Not Broken!

I hear the term "broken home" on a regular basis, usually referring to single parent households. It is a term used in society to describe such households, and in my experience, it is generally accepted. Well, I'm hear to tell you, my home is not broken!

My family consists of my son and me. Two people. We are a full, completely intact, family. I'll admit, just after my son's father and I separated, we were a broken home. Even my small son was very aware of the broken piece. Years later, we are healed. We are a family, whole and loving.